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Tips For Parenting Teens
Some Parenting Tips for Moms and Dads with Teens
by David Reinstein, LCSW, BCD
When one or more of our children hit the turbulent throes of adolescence (ages 12 - 18) parents may find themselves wondering, "What happened to that cute little child we used to have who was so sweet, compliant and warmly dependent?" Parenting teens can drive the most sensitive and skillful parents to distraction!
The answer, of course, is that that little child no longer exists but has grown into a person with one foot still in childhood but the other in the land of adults. This is the developmental never land that we call adolescence and it tends to be hard on both the teenagers themselves and for their parents as well! It is likely that two of the hardest jobs in the world are 1) parenting teens and 2) being a teen.
The awkwardness of not belonging squarely in either of the two basic worlds of human life (child/adult) arises from a convergence of several important factors of which chronological age - where they frequently feel like adults still having to live as children - is actually only one.
Other common complications when it comes to figuring out how to best parent your teenager include 1) the neuro-development of teens where they may appear, in physical stature, as adult but whose brains are really not yet fully developed and 2) the frequent uncertainty of even the best parents to know how to best adjust their approach and relationship to this developing person who suddenly sees him/herself as being, in some ways that can be experienced as annoying, the equal of the parent.
There are many other variables but this article is not a primer in adolescent development so much as it is a series of helpful tips on ways to have more success with parenting your teen.
Among professionals who are trained to be of help to young people and parents, it is commonly understood that while there is no one 'right' way to be a perfect parent, there are probably thousands - maybe even millions - of ways to be a good one. This rather broad statement applies to parenting teens as much as it does to parenting young children. However, in parenting teenagers, there are some basic notions to be mindful of that can positively impact any parent's feelings of success in this admittedly tough job.
What follows is a list of "To Dos" that, if taken seriously and followed by any parent of a teen, can have a good deal of positive impact on the nature of the parent/teen relationship now and on the developing adult/adult relationship that will soon follow it for the rest of your lives.
-- The often used but rarely effective explanation of asking a child to do something "because I said so" has exhausted whatever limited value it may have had. Teens require explanation. Not redundantly or with a patronizing tone, but with an appreciation that their brains simply require more information and firmer (supportable) logic about the things we may want or ask them to do.
-- Likewise, the old saying of "Do as I say, not as I do" which never really worked anyway, becomes increasingly absurd as children age. Children of all ages, when presented with a situation where a parent says one thing and does another, will respond to the action and not to the words. They learn more from what we do than from what we say.
Simple examples would include things like being a smoker and telling our teenage child not to smoke; likewise with drinking alcohol, using drugs, not managing anger well, etc. Our most powerful teaching tool is our actions. If we, as the parents, are unable to do what we expect them to do, the chances that they will ever do it are severely reduced.
-- As has been the case throughout their childhood, parents do well to remember that a reasonable explanation is not the same thing as a continuing argument or debate. The first is a good idea; The second is waste of time that tends to undermine even the best of parent/child relationships.
-- It is often useful to recall our own adolescence. Was it wonderful? Would you care to live it again? In my thirty-five+ years of clinical practice, I have found that somewhere around 20% of the parents I speak with have categorically wonderful memories of their teenage years. The other 80% are glad to have survived it!
The ability to empathize - to allow ourselves to feel what out teen seems to be feeling - is a particularly powerful tool in guiding us, as parents, to say and do the 'right' thing, especially in difficult or provocative situations.
-- As our children grow older, our approach to them needs become less authoritarian and increasingly more collaborative, cooperative and negotiated. These shifts recognize and honor the growing person who is no longer a little kid. Respect is a major issue for most teenagers and parents who fail to give it to them tend to suffer some disappointing consequences.
-- Our role as parents shifts from one of mostly control to one of primarily influence. Understanding and accepting this is of the essence in successful parenting of teens. They are responsible for their own choices and actions. Our responsibility, as parents, is to do the best we can to advise, guide and influence them. As I mentioned earlier, the most powerful way to influence your teen is by your example.
-- Teenagers want (and need) to feel that they can assume greater responsibilities and that they are trusted. Some teenagers 'earn' these things by their behaviors while others seem to demand them in an unqualified/unearned way from their parents without having to do anything to warrant them.
-- Offering teenagers choices is, generally, a good strategy. When our children are younger, two choices may be adequate. With teens, three or four may be better. It is important to not open with questions like, "Do you want to take out the garbage?" Rather, a choice like, "Would you rather take the garbage out now or wait for the show you are watching on TV to be over first?" is more along the lines of what is apt to work best. If it is not really a choice about whether or not to do it, be careful not to make it sound like one.
-- No matter what specific strategy you use, three basic items will help assure that it works. 1) Talk less, 2) Try to reduce how much of your OWN emotion is going into trying to manage the situation, and 3) Maintain as much consistency as you possibly can. Letting down on any of these three basic requirements will undermine any system of disciplining and managing children or teens of any age.
Good parenting of teens connects their behaviors and attitudes with your trust of them and with your willingness to regard them as adults-in-training. Although many teenagers do not like it, they are, in fact, still minor children under your care. They remain your responsibility and you are now and will always be their parents.
Less a guide to being 'perfect' than to being 'good,' I hope some frustrated, confused and loving parents will find some of these tips helpful.
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