Understanding and Controlling Your Anger

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What should you do when you first begin to feel angry?

Take a time-out. People become angry when they think that they are threatened, when they think that harm will come to them, or when they think that another person has wronged them in some way. These thoughts are often inaccurate, incomplete, or untrue perceptions. When you start thinking angry thoughts, allow yourself to stop and take a “time-out.”

Rethink the situation. Spending a little time alone may help calm you and allow you to rethink the situation. The first step in controlling anger is to recognize what exactly triggers your anger and to also recognize the thoughts and responses that are often associated with those triggers. Become aware of the warning signs: negative thoughts and physical responses, followed by aggressive or harmful behavior.

Breathe. Slow, deep breathing is a quick way to cool off and increase feelings of relaxation. Inhale as deeply as possible through your nose, expanding your stomach and chest. Then exhale through your mouth. Continue this breathing exercise for a couple of minutes and try to practice it several times a day. Breathing exercises can be a powerful tool in preventing your anger from escalating and in helping you to achieve a new perspective or outlook.

Other healthy ways to express and control anger

Assertive communication. Express yourself clearly, calmly, and directly without verbally attacking the other person.
Listen to the other person. Allow the other person to state what is wanted and to express his or her feelings and needs.
Name the problem. Explain why you are angry. Don’t yell, use insults, or make threats.
State your feelings. State what the impact of the situation is on you. Use “I statements,” such as “I feel …” or “I think …” or “I want …” to describe your own reaction rather than blaming another person.
Identify solutions. State what you would like to change or see happen in the future. If you’re having a conflict with another person, try to find a solution together.
Exercise. Walking, jogging, swimming, or bicycling can provide a natural outlet for stress and anger. Exercise releases chemicals in the brain (endorphins) that help us relax. Also, exercise usually removes us from a stressful situation, gives us time to think, and helps us feel reenergized physically and emotionally.
Be good to yourself. Get adequate sleep each night and refrain from using drugs or alcohol to solve your problems.
Get help if you need it. Talk with a trusted family member or friend. Consider seeing a counselor or other health care professional.

Other Resources

Books

When Anger Hurts: Quieting the Storm Within (1989). Matthew McKay, Peter Rogers, Judith McKay
Learning the Art of Anger Management on the Job (1995). Hendrie Weisinger
The Anger Control Workbook (2000). Matthew McKay and Peter Rogers

Web Sites

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